INT: HOLLYWOOD AGENT OFFICE – DAY
Hollywood star Jason Bateman walks into an office.
AGENT: (a gold-plated bluetooth headset pointlessly on his head) Jason Bateman! Baby! How is my favourite client in the goddamned world?
JASON BATEMAN: Hey man…I’ve just been watching my Arrested Development DVDs and wondering why I haven’t made anything even fractionally as good since.
AGENT: Whaaaaat? Kiddo! I can’t believe what I’m hearing here. Hancock? Couples Retreat? These are classic movies, baby, American classics! The Change-Up? More like Don’t Change Up – your career path, that is! (This brown-nosing continues for some time.)
JASON BATEMAN: It’s just that, despite being a talented actor with impeccable comic timing, I have 16 films rated ‘Rotten’ on Rotten Tomatoes, compared to just 9 ‘Fresh’. I think I need to make some better choices.
AGENT: (snorts from his mound of coke) Well, chill man, I have just the thing. A new script’s just come through that’s perfect for you: Identity Thief. And unlike practically every film you’ve ever made, this is a big-budget high-concept studio comedy with plenty of wacky setpieces that will play well to the PG-13 audience. It’s got some impressive credentials already attached…
AGENT: You’ll be playing a mild–
JASON BATEMAN: –mild-mannered but slightly uptight perma-suited businessman?
AGENT: Right! Have you read it?
JASON BATEMAN: No, it’s just, I always seem to play the same…forget it. Who’s attached to star?
AGENT: It’s got that fat skank from Bridesmaids in it – and before you ask, YES, there are plenty of jokes about her appearance at her expense!
JASON BATEMAN: I hope there’s no romantic subplot…
AGENT: Fuck no, are you kidding? This is Hollywood, baby! Fat men get the skinny women, not the other way round!
JASON BATEMAN: I don’t know…maybe I should aim for more challenging, interesting, unusual parts than the usual bland forgettable garbage.
AGENT: I hear what you’re saying, but allow me to counter-argue with this suitcase full of cash.
JASON BATEMAN: Sold! [They have a money fight]